VI Season (for the uninitiated that's Village Idiot Season)

Yes folks it's that time again.  That sunny, always funny time of year when the Idiots in the Village start flexing their idiot muscles and come out to play.  This year we have a new module in the season, that is the Village Idiot in Training or VI(i)T for short.  The VI(i)T's can be easily recognised by their antics which usually start at 11pm most evenings and continue at sporadic times throughout the night.  These VI(i)T's are usually younger than their peers and female, screaming and shouting for all they are worth, tottering up and down the street (yes they do sound like other 'ladies of the night' but to my knowledge, that doesn't go on here - least I don't think so) on ludicrously high heels before falling off into the gutter where more screaming, effing and blinding carries on.  Now add to the mix a couple of the male VI(i)T's and you have the heady mix of swearing, vomiting, loud music and the eventual 'Piece de Resistance' at every VI(i)T event: the fist fight; where they attempt to fight each other but are too drunk and incapable and end up swiping at their partner only to miss, spin round three times with the centrifugal force of the unlanded blow and join their female counterparts in the gutter, which, given the state of them is probably the best place for 'em.  I will be selling tickets to the events a week before they happen so you can get the best seats!

Add to this the annual sighting of the Fartbox - that's the Fartbox Motorbike which sounds as if it's running on a matchbox, an elastic band and a fart. The rider, usually a spotty faced teen with a crash helmet that doesn't fit so sits atop his head rather than covering (and therefore protecting) it, resplendent in tee shirt sleeves and shorts (these fully paid up members of the VI Society are so idiotic as to think they will never come off their precious farties and that 'it will never happen to me' until they end up in A&E (ER) with their skin hanging off after they've come off onto a road surface. Now you and I know that in an argument between human skin and a tarmaced road who'll come off worse, but these morons, well their skin isn't like ours, obviously, until they are sadly clogging up A&E because they are too stupid to realise just why professional motorcyclists wear leather and have crash helmets that fit. So, the Fartbox Riders are complete and utter VI's of the highest order so they deserve their place in the Village Idiot Blog).  Add to this the pre-requisite 'leaning forward over the handlebars' to ahem, make it go faster!  This sight can usually be seen up and down the length and breadth of my tiny road (a cul de sac) with the holy grail at the end of it (village hall car park) where he goes to meet his mates (who are never there so earning him the title of Billy No-Mates) all throughout the summer afternoons from 4pm onwards, up until he either can't see where he is going or he runs out of petrol and reluctantly goes home. 

This season starts in earnest when the evenings get lighter (so they can see where they are going) the weather is warmer (they don't like getting cold and/or wet depending on whether it is raining or snowing) and it's quiet, but not for long.  The long suffering folk who have never been inclined to take up the job title of Village Idiot hope constantly for freezing cold nights with rain and/or snow to keep the VI(i)T's indoors where they can annoy the older Village Idiots who spawned them.  Talking of which we have a juvenile VI(i)T who rides around the village on his bike making that 'owah owah' sound from the 1970's disco song 'Lets All Chant' yes, if you're of a certain age you'll know the one.  I am really hacked off with those idiots at the advertising company here in the UK who chose it for an ad campaign to sell house insurance as this little moron, sorry VI(i)T has adopted it as his signature call.  Try listening to that twenty five times plus a day and see if you are happy to listen to that abhorrent sound as it rides around infesting the air with his infernal racket,; his parents must be so proud!  Add to that all the other little morons who think it highly amusing to copy it - but all they are doing is making themselves stand out like a sore thumb and are getting up peoples backs into the process. Instead of sounding cool they sound like immature hyenas and are well deserving of the title Village Idiot in Training.

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